Final Fantasy VIII That Was Not Meant To Be
by Strange Pixie
Summary: Parody of FFVIII. UPDATED Alright people, after almost a year of not updating, I'm finally back by popular demand. You wanted it, you got it! Laugh your hearts out, mortals!
1. Squall's Acting All Weird!

My very first parody of Final Fantasy VIII!!! Let's see what you think of this thing. I don't own Squall, Rinoa or any of the other character for that matter. Final Fantasy VIII is copyright or Square Soft so please don't try to sue me!!! Anyway, Read and Review people! And let's get this thing rollin'!!!

Really techno music starts to play. You see the waves of the beach and then... you... fly over the beach at top speed... You accidentally bump your head and tumble into a desert. Words start to magically appear on the screen O_o Aww... let's just cut the crap!

Shows Seifer and Squall fighting with Gunblades... trying to chop off each other's heads in a really, uh, phony fashion.

Squall notices the music is playing and Seifer is on the opposite side of him and racing at mega-super-ultra-whatever speed towards him.

"O_o Eh? What the hell?" Squall picked up his extra heavy Gunblade made out of only cardboard and tin foil.

"Yeah!" Seifer protested, still running towards Squall very fast, "Where's that funky techno music coming from???"

"Sorry!" yelled the cameraman and switches music to really extra creepy music called Liberi Fatally... Fatali... or... whatever...

"Hiyaaaaaaahh!!!!!!!!!" Seifer yelled as he aimed his Gunblade at Squall. But he was running soooo fast, he didn't have time to do anything before he rammed right into Squall.

"Owww..."

"Hmph! Serves you right for running at me!" Squall said, getting up and dusting himself. Then he takes aim with his Gunblade and.... runs in the opposite direction...

"Hey! You can't get away from me!!!" Seifer yelled, "What are you? A chicken??!!" he runs after Squall again.

"Hey!" Squall screamed behind his shoulder at Seifer, "I'm no chicken! That name's for Zell!!!"

"Whatever!" Seifer yelled back.

"That's MY line!!!" Squall said angrily and threw a banana behind him making Seifer trip and fall on his face. Squall laughed evilly and turned around, looking at Seifer, still on his face. "Now, you DIE!!!!!!!!!!" Squall flies at Seifer with Gunblade pointing downwards, ready to skewer the guy.

Seifer rolls to his side as the Gunblade was heard jabbing into the ground. He jumps to his feet and looks at Squall.

"Oh damn." Squall pulls his Gunblade out of the ground showing a neat bend of the cardboard with the tin foil ripped at the tip. "I think it's broken..."

Meanwhile, Seifer was readying a Fire spell while Squall was crying over his broken Gunblade. "Eat my Fire spell!!!" Seifer screamed as he shot fire out of his hand O_o and roasted Squall.

Squall was hit by the heat and fell down, his Gunblade falling on top of him. "Owww..." Squall tried to get up but Seifer didn't let him and threw a dagger from up his sleeve at Squall. The dagger flew at Squall's face and put a neat cut on him with really fake blood pouring out. Some of the blood a.k.a tomato ketchup, dropped to the groud making a stain.

"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes! I see red!!! I see RED!!! I see.... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Squall screamed as he saw Seifer with his Gunblade on top of him and ready to strike again.

Squall got up quickly even though he was blinded by blood and did a cool but unsuccessful back-flip, smashing into Seifer because he couldn't see him.

Seifer fell to the floor. "Ooof..." And skidded to a stop, and when he got up, you can see a new scar on his face.

"Ooooohh........ Now we're twins!" Squall said, grinning his ass off and patting Seifer on the back.

"Eh... whatever..." Seifer said, yawning.

"Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S MY LINE!!!!!!!!!" Squall bellowed, "I DON'T WANNA' BE YOUR TWIN NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!" Squall started to cry like a baby. "You're mean!!!"

"Oh, shut the hell up!" Seifer said, ramming Squall in the head and pushing him over, causing him to lose consciousness.

Suddenly, the screen goes all white and blinding.

Then, the scene changes to a room... with a bed... with a bandaged Squall-boy on it... with a fat female doctor standing over him... 

Suddenly!!! The curtains behind them broke off as a strong gust of wind tore it off and the curtains flew away... oh so far away... away from the pain of death and the cycle of life where it has been all day looking at the 17 and below children on their death beds or at least, while they're sick and dying... moaning for help and the release of thier agony. "Good bye, cruel world! I will be free now... floating away to heaven... Thank you wind!!! Thank you!!!" The curtain whispered it's good bye as it...... wait a minute!!! Why the hell am I talking about curtains???

Squall and Dr KanOpener sweatdropped as the curtain got rolled over by a passing truck...

Dr KanOpener looked back at Squall who quickly closed his eyes and pretended to be dead... er... asleep...

Dr KanOpener rolled her eyes and jumped onto the bed and started to kick Squall. "Wake up damn you!!!" She didn't manage to kick very much before she got tired.

"Okay okay!!! I'm up!" Squall complained and kicked the doctor off his bed with more strength than necessary.

Doctor KanOpener went flying through the window with a VERY high pitch scream.

"AHHHHH!!!!!!"

'CRASH!!!'

"Ooooff..."

Squall looked mildly concerned. "Are ye alright there doctor?" he asked, checking his nails and polishing them.

Dr KanOpener got up and looked in through the window with a VERY pissed off look. Then, she looks at her FFVIII script and glares at Squall again giving him the 'That-was-not-in-the-script' look.

"Okay okay, let's continue the story then," Squall yawned, as though reading her mind. "And your name's Dr Kadowaki, not KanOpener..."

Doctor KanOpener a.k.a Dr Kadowaki, from where she was at the window, started her line. "Hellllllooooooooo!!! I see that you're awaaaaaake!!!!! Well, considering that you have been beaten hands down by Siefer, how do you feel???" he asked, grinding her teeth in agitation.

Squall's anger flared. "I was NOT beaten by that grey trench-coat wearing baboon brained moron!!!" he howled.

"Oh yeah?" The Doctor smirked, "Then why are you in the infirmary?"

"Err... I was kidnapped by... by... YOU!!!!!!!!" Squall pointed at the doc finally realising that she was in front of him, "You're holding me for ransom!!! You!! You!!! YOU WANT ME DEAD!!!! You're that serial killer!!! You're Doctor Maniac!!! AHHHH!!! Save me Rinoa!!! SAVE ME!!!"

Dr KanOpener sweatdropped. "Err... maybe you should stay in bed for a little while longer..." she said, "And you're not supposed to know Rinoa yet..."

"Nuuuuuuuuuu!!!! Rinoa!!! This mad doctor wants me dead! She wants me to stay 'forever' in this prison!! She wants ransom from my daddy Laguna and mommy Raine!!!" Squall wailed.

"O_o SQUALL!!! Calm down!!! Is this madness of yours triggering some remembrance of your past life or something??" Dr KanOpener said, annoyed. "And STOP jumping up and down on your bed!!! I'm NOT trying to kill you or hold you prisoner for ransom or whatever...!"

Something snapped like a twig in Squall's head and he came to his senses...

"Eh...! Did you just say "whatever"? COZ IT'S MY LINE!!!!!" he screamed... then scratched his head. "Hey doc... do you remember what I was screaming about just now?"

The freaked out doctor slapped her hand to her forehead and sighed. "Let me just call your instructor first so that she can take this burden of you off my hands... at least for a little while... Let's see.... that's right! Your instructor is Pikach-, I mean Quistis!!! Right??? Okay, I'll go call her now..."

"Okies ^_^" Squall smiled and sat back down on his bed as he listened to what the doctor had to say to Quistis...

"......... yes, instructor... Yes, it's a severe mental illness......... What?!?! You don't want him as your student because of THAT??? ....... oh, you're right.... he can't save the world from the evil Sorceress because of his crazy illness.......... yeah..... uh- huh... okay, I'll see to that......." the doctor put down the phone and sighed...

"Squall?" the Doctor of Can openers said turning to look at the boy, "Eh? Squall? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!?!?!" she screeched like an eagle.

Squall was trying to eat his pillow...

Doctor KanOpener ripped the pillow from out of his mouth and whipped out a can of 'Explosive Germ Killer!!!" and practically sprayed the whole can onto the pillow...

After 10 minutes...

"Ooooooohhh..." Squall said as both of them stared at the sparkly clean but incredibly wet pillow...

"Now..." Doctor KanOpener said as she threw the pillow at one corner, which ended up in it going into the dustbin, "Your 'Instructor' says she'll be picking you up at midnight today for some extra lessons at the Fire Caravan and some ass whoppin'... I mean, some MORE extra lessons... meanwhile, you have to rest..."

"That's okay Doctor." Came a cool voice from behind them. Quistis was there in full uniform and tapping her foot. "I'll take Squall to his class now."

"Oh, okay, that's good..." The doctor said, relief washing over her, "He's becoming a real pain in the ass..."

"Yeah... You can say that again..." Quistis said, her eyebrows raised as Squall hopped out of bed and ran up to her and gave her a big bear hug.

"Oh Quisty!!! I missed you!!" Squall cried.

"GET OFF ME!!!" Quistis screamed and gave Squall a big thwack on the head.

*THWACK!!!*

"Owww..." Squall said and slipped into unconsciousness again...

Okay, this was crappy and short... anyway, R&R and we'll see what the hell happens to Squall in the end...


	2. Selphie Joins The Team

Now!!! Listen and listen good (especially someone with the anonymous name of... 'me') now, this is a strict parody/humour fan fic... if you don't like it then I say it again: this is a strict humour/parody fan fic... if you still don't get it then I say it YET again: This is a...... Okay, you get the idea. If you flame me then remember, this is meant to be funny and make no sense coz it's completely random, okay? Why don't you just get a laugh out of it instead? To tell you the truth... I'm a big fan of FFVIII, probably a bigger one than you coz I can tell you the whole story of FFVIII with my eyes closed... anyway, I finished the game and I know what I'm doing, so don't whine... I'm only 13-years-old so I don't have a job yet ^_^ so right now, make a small girl happy, okay? R&R everyone!!!

Squall regained consciousness and found himself on a really uncomfortable bed... He got up and soon found out why: His pillow was gone!!! 

"Oww..." Squall said rubbing his head. "What the hell happened to my pillow? And why does my head feel so painful? Does sleeping without a pillow cause so much damn pain?!" he yelled.

Then he remembered his 'dream'. Was it a dream though? He thought to himself. The last thing he remembered was that really hot chick of an instructor whamming him in the head...

"No wonder my head feels like a ton of bricks smashed it..." Squall sighed. "That chick really knows how to beat up a guy..."

Suddenly!!!!! Something that was completely white 'glided' into the room.

"AHHHH!!! Ghost!" Squall screamed, covering his eyes. "Get it away!!! Getitawaygetitaway!!!!!"

"O_o Calm down Squall... it was just a nightmare you had," came the familiar voice of...

"Dr KanOpener... I mean Kadowaki?!" Squall exclaimed. "You mean whatever the hell I had just now was a DREAM?!"

"Yeah... and a weird one at that... you were screaming about some Doctor Maniac and a ransom??? And then you threw your pillow into the dustbin!" the doctor said with an eyebrow raised. "What's gotten into you? You even threw yourself off the bed in the middle of the night!!!"

"I... I did?" Squall asked in bewilderment... "Sorry..."

"Anyway, cut the crap... How do you feel???"

"My forehead hurts... say, did Quistis come in here and bash it up just now?" Squall asked.

"-_-||| Err... no... you DID land on your head when you fell off the bed though..." the doctor replied.

"Oh, I see..." Squall said squinting up at her, "But still, I don't think I really DID fall off... Oh well..."

"Anyway, say your name for moi," the doctor said calmly.

"My name is...." 

Game screen pops up and Squall tries to spell his name. Squeal? No. Squarll? No. Squash? Definitely NOT... SQUALL! YEAH!!!

"... Squall Leonhart..."

"Right, you know, you shouldn't have tried to kill yourself when fighting Seifer you know? I know what you teens do now a days: trying to act all cool. But you'll only come to your senses if you break a limb or two..."

"-_- What a lame poem..." Squall said.

"YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A POEM?????" Dr Kadowaki screamed, causing Squall to fly 50 feet into the air and hit the ceiling. "I think I better call Quistis now to take you as far away from this infirmary as possible..." Dr Kadowaki walked away...

Squall frowned... why was he held prisoner by this Dr Kadowaki anyway? He felt okay, felt great, felt... Oh SHIT!!! Squall just remembered that he was supposed to have his field examinations today... just before Seifer turned up and decided that his head on a shinny silver plater would be a nice trophy...

Squall's thoughts were interrupted by Quistis' sudden arrival...

Screen shows Quistis walking elegantly to the infirmary and upon seeing Squall, she gives a sigh and what we all don't know, a mental note: "Oh, Squall's awake... he's so cute... well, looks like I've gotta' take him to class now!! Tee hee!"

Quistis walks over to Squall and looks down at him. He stares back up at her.

"I knew it'd be either you or Seifer... but in this case, it's you!!!" Quistis said, almost jovial.

Cut to Squall and Quistis are walking towards class...

"So Squall, how are you? How's Seifer? Are you okay? Did you like the get-well card and gifts that I sent you? Do they have nice food in the infirmary? How come you were out cold for so long? Are you still-" Quistis ranted on before Squall shot her a death glare.

"Whaaaaaat~?" Quistis whined, "I'm just trying to be friendly here with my student..."

"Well, it's none of your-" Squall started.

"Hyne-damned business?" Quistis finished for him and smirked. Then she giggled.

Squall raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, none of your Hyne-damned business, so stop asking and stop giggling like a schoolgirl..."

It was Quistis who shot him a death glare this time. "Hey! I AM a schoolgirl you idiot!"

" -_- You seem too mature to be one... But still, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE SHERRY BIRKIN!!!" Squall screamed at his teacher, now we all know that he hates Quistis ^_^.

"Suuuuure..." Quistis said rolling her eyes, "Since when do you play Resident Evil anyways???"

"Oh, it's a cool game ^_^ how I always win when I use the combat knife... of course, I'm always an expert when it comes to knives, swords, blades and guns... erm... maybe not guns..." Squall said, scratching his head...

"O_O You used ONLY the combat knife throughout the whole game...?" Quistis asked, impressed.

"^_^ yeah!"

"Woah!!! Cool man! I'm impressed! You must really know how to use the Gunblade!!!" Quistis praised. 

"Thanks! Anyway, you took the wrong turn... We're supposed to go to class..." Squall said, jabbing his thumb behind him.

"Oh... ooops..." Quistis said, "And you can put your THUMB BACK ON!!!"

"^_^ 'kay!!!"

20 minutes later...

Quistis walks into class, followed by Squall.

"Alright!" Quistis announced, "You all have the right to remain silent!!!"

Everyone in class looked at her, even Squall, who was walking to his seat.

Quistis looked confused, and then she perked up again and smiled, "^_^ I meant that if you guys have finished your SeeD field exams, you may go free from this prison of a class and have the rest of the day off!"

"YAY!!!!!" Almost every single person in the class screamed happily and like a stampede, rushed out, causing some people near the doorway to be flattened.

Quistis sweatdropped. "Take them to the infirmary..." she said to some other pupils and pointed to where the flattened students were, twitching...

A group of 'Trepies' saluted and hauled away the casualties of classroom 'war'.

Quistis turned to Seifer. "Oh yes! And Seifer, my dear, DO NOT EVER TRY TO KILL SQUALLY WHILE IN BATTLE! UNDERSTOOD???"

"._. Yes maaaaaa'aaaaaaam!!!!" Seifer said, saluting... Then, while Quistis was not looking, he used his fist to hit his desk... "OOOWWW!!!!!!" he cried, "THAT friggin' HURT LIKE HELL!!!" he screamed to no one in particular. "Not only that! I think I cracked the screen of my Study Panel computer thingy!!!"

"Oh yeah? Well, serves you right!" Squall said, sticking his tongue out at Seifer.

"Yeah, whatever... I'm outta' here!" Seifer said, leaving the classroom. 

Squall also turned to follow Seifer out of class when...

Quistis turned to Squall. "Riiiight now Mr Leonhart, you'd better come with me to do your field exam..."

"But I already did it!!!" Squall protested.

"Oh reeaally???" Quistis asked with mock seriousness.

"No." Squall answered.

"Okay, I don't suppose you'd have a good reason for that do you?"

"I DO SO!!!" Squall protested, "It was that idiot of a Seifer! He messed me up big time!!!"

"Hmm... you're right for once... but anyway, let's go do your field exam anyways... Head for the Fire Cavern okie???" Quistis said, smiling.

"Umm... You want me to go straight to the Fire Cavern and miss all your 'important points on fine battling and junctioning and equipping magic and stuff like that'?" Squall asked innocently.

"Hmmm... On second thought, no. I'd better go with you coz I like torturing you with all my mass knowledge and skill of killing monsters ^_^... So, head for the [Front Gate] once you're done with whatever you wanna' do in the Garden! Have fun getting out your GFs from the Study Panel! But seriously, some of my students don't know how to get their GFs out of the computer..."

With that, Quistis strode out of the class, leaving a very stupified Squall behind.

Finally, Squall trudged back to his desk and sat down, turning on the power to his Study Panel computer and these were the options in front of him:

1. Tutorial (New!)   
2. The Basics   
3. About Garden   
4. A message from Garden   
5. Garden Square   
6. The School Festival Committee 

Squall picked 'Tutorial (New!)' and it said that he got his two Guardian Forces (GFs). He named them Shiva and Quezacotl.

"Yeahhhh... I shall name thee 'Shiva the Great Ice Queen' and 'Quezacotl the cool looking but down right lousy GF'!!!" Squall said thriumphantly.

Then, after looking up his website, www.Seifersucks.com, Squall got bored and turned the power to his Study Panel off since he read about everything in there already.

Then, he trudged out of the classroom where homework killed almost everyone...

As he was walking towards the lift saomething ridiculous happened...

"I'm late, I'm late, I'M LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" a girl screamed causing Squall to jump 10 feet into the air and land on the girl...

"Oww..." the girl groaned as Squall got off her.

The girl was revealed to be... dun dun dun... a really short one!!!

Squall raised an eyebrow as 2 options that he could choose appeared on the screen, or in HIS case, the options appeared in his FACE.

Squall chose the first option which incidentally made him say: "Are you okay?"

The girl that was about a head shorter than him got up and skipped, "There!" she said happily, "Sure I'm okay, coz like, I've been hit by a truck before! Tee Hee! So, I missed my class didn't I?" she asked, seriously this time.

"Errr... yeah..." Squall said confirming her doubts, then, he looked at her strangely.

"Oh!" the girl said, looking at Squall's funny face, "I'm a new transfer student from Trabia Garden ^_^ So I don't really know my way around..." she said sadly, but then brightened up immediately, "Say, you think you can show me around or something?"

Squall looked annoyed and was about to ask her to go away but changed his mind since he was going down using the lift and the directory was downstairs too...

So he agreed making this mysterious girl the first ever 'sort of' member to his party...

Squall headed towards the lift.............

And so, once again, the day is saved, thanks to the wonderful flamers of the FFVIII community!!! Well, I don't give a damn about flamers or fan fic haters and anyway, I'm gonna' continue this whether ye like it or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Ifrit in the Hole!

Now, courtesy of my younger brother who gave me some help on this fan fic... Yaysies! New chapter at last! Flamers shall be re-flamed and fans shall be fanned if in the heat... Now, onto this marvelous but terribly weird fic!!!

The new girl (by the name of Selphie Tilmitt) followed right behind Squall as he ran towards the lift. However, before heading towards the lift, Squall decided to have a little 'fun'...

Squall Leonhart started to run around in circles for about 10 minutes then he changed his course and started to do cartwheels and back-flips and assorted gymnastics moves that only heroes in the Olympics can master. The new girl, oblivious, also followed Squall, doing the 'spliiiiit', the marathon, etc.

Then, suddenly, Squall...... stopped.......

Selphie ran right into him. "Oooooof!!!!!" Selphie's nose went smack right into Squall's back. "Owww... What was THAT for?!?!?!" she cried, rubbing her nose which turned a pink colour...

"Oh lookie!!!" Squall said excitedly, pointing to someone standing near the lift.

Some reeeeeeeaaaaaaally random guy accidentally dropped his WHOLE Triple Traid deck containing around a bazillion cards. He frantically starts to pick them up...

Squall runs over to the Random Guy. "Yo! Let me help you with those, man!" Squall picked up a handful of about 7 cards and........ runs away with it, straight into the lift where Selphie was waiting... "Muahahahahaha!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, causing all the glass on the 2nd floor to shatter.

Once Squall was inside the lift, he quickly jabbed his finger at the lift door, trying to close it in case a really mad Random Guy wanted his cards back. He was right... Random Guy was heard yelling something in Spanish before the door closed and went to the 1st floor.

"Ooooooh YEAH!!! I ROCK at stealing Random People's cards!!!!" Squall said doing some weird victory dance.

"Uhhhhhhhhh....... Squall? I know I'm not supposed to know your name yet but........ you didn't have to steal those cards you know?" Selphie, who Squall incidentally is also not supposed to know her name yet, was pointing at the cards in Squall's hand.

Squall looks at the cards in his hand and almost died on the spot. "Damnit!!!!!!" he shrieked, "All SEVEN of these cards SUCK, man!!!!!!!"

Selphie nodded sympathetically. "Anyway, since you didn't ASK that guy nicely for your cards, I'll just have to tell you how to battle in Triple Traid," she gave Squall a weird grin, "To initiate the 'Card Battle' mode, press the 'Square' button." Her grin became wider.

"Okay! ^_^" Squall smiled and tried it out.

After 20 minutes......

"Ummm.... Selph? How do you press the 'Square' button...?" Squall asked, confused.

Selphie slapped her forehead in irritation and replied, "How the hell should I know???" She looked up, "Anyway, the lift door's open, let's get outta' here..."

Squall looks out of the door. "Uhh... This was the same level that we were on just now..." he checks his watch, "... about 20 minutes ago...?"

Selphie just stares up at Squall. Squall pushes the lift button and they travelled down into the abyss... of DOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

1st floor a.k.a. Abyss Of DOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

"We're here!!!!!!" Selphie screamed happily as she shot out of the lift, but didn't see the stairs in front of her...

"We're finally he- AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Owies!!!!! Ouch!!! Oommmmph!!!!! Eeeeeeeek!!!! AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Everyone at Garden stared at Selphie as she tripped and went tumbling down the stairs....

Selphie, somehow by some magical force rolled back up and did a flip which made her land on her feet accurately.

"I'm fine!!! ^_^" Selphie called out to everyone.

Squall slapped a hand to his forehead and sighed. "I'm hating this soooo much..."

Everyone else at the first floor of Balamb Garden stared in awe at the young girl. Some even started to clap. This was the first time in Garden History that anyone had ever fallen down the steps leading up to the lifts and done a front-flip to get back up WHILE STILL ROLLING DOWN THESE STEPS!!!

Selphie was soon joined by Squall as he made his way down the stairs...

"HEY!!!" Selphie suddenly said, making Squall cover his delicate ears. "Isn't that what you're lookin' for? The Leaning Tower 'O Pizza???"

Squall looked to where Selphie was pointing, curious to know why there was a leaning tower in the garden made out of pizza... or a pizza made out of leaning towers. 

He frowned and sighed as he noticed what Selphie was pointing to.

"Little girl, that's the darn Garden Directory!!!!!!!! Get some glasses man!!!!!!" Squall yelled, annoyed.

Selphie looked about ready to kill, or blow someone up with a rocket launcher. "Little girl!!? LITTLE GIRL??! I'm not a little girl, nor am I a MAN!!!" she screamed at him, causing all the broken glass that was broken earlier to break into even smaller pieces.

"Oh, okies then ^_^ You're a big girl, 'kay?" Squall said, "Now, let us go look at the Garden Directory!!!"

"Whatever..." Selphie said, waving her hand and following Squall to the big board thingy...

Squall turned and looked back at Selphie. "What did you just say?" he questioned.

Selphie looked puzzled, then she shrugged and said, "Whatever?"

Squall looked at Selphie harder and replied, "Whatever," He rolled his eyes and continued towards the directory.

"Now..." Said Squall as they reached the board. "This is the Cafeteria, this is the library, this is the blah blah blah...."

After 5 minutes of explaining...

"You got it now?" Squall asked.

"Uh.... Yeah, I guess..." Selphie replied.

"Okay!!!! Good! You're on your own now. Bye!!!" Squall turned around and ran to the Front Gates.

As he passed the guy in charge of the gate...

"YO MISTER GATE MAAAAAAAN!!!!!" Squall yelled gleefully, "WAZZZZZUUUUP?!?!"

The gate man waved at Squall. "Yo, Squall! Good to see that Seifer hasn't already killed you ^_^"

Squall stopped dead in his tracks, backtracked a little, aimed a punch at the gate man and sent him flying clear to China... er... I mean Esthar...

A minute later, Squall jogged to where Quistis was and gave her a wave.

"Hiya, Squall!!!" Quistis said brightly, "What took you so long?"

Squall yawned, "This girl followed me around at Garden. I think she was stalking me or something... probably a terrorist planning to bomb Garden too..."

Quistis gave Squall a O_o look. "What...?"

"Oh yeah. And this guy insulted me on the way here so I thought I'd teach him a good lesson ^_^" Squall smiled.

"And... What exactly did you do to that guy?" Quistis was afraid to ask.

Squall's grin became wider. "I sent him to the moon."

"Woah... WAY TO GO SQUALL!" Quistis screamed, "I've always hated that guy since the day I was born!!!"

"Yeah yeah, can we get going now????" said an enthusiastic Squall who was ready to kill some bad guys.

So Quistis and Squall put on rollerblades and started blading out of the Garden.

"Wheeeeeeeeeee~! This is sooooooo fun!!!" Squall said joyously as he and Quistis rollerbladed down the road.

Suddenly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The two of them were ambushed by *gasp!!!* two Bite Bugs!!!!!!!!!!!

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Giant bugs of EVIIIIIIL!!!!!!!" Squall said darkly insane.

"O_o Okaaaaaay..." Quistis said, looking from Bite Bug #1 to Bite Bug #2 to Squall Leonhart, "There aren't supposed to be any monsters on the road/path thingy..." She shrugged, "Anyway, it's time for the enemy to eat MY WHIP!!!"

"Squall! To use your Gunblade, press the... action button ^_^ I mean, to do extra damage, press R1, okay?" Quistis said.

"Okaaay..." Squall looks at his Gunblade for a few minutes. Then looks back at Quistis. "And how to I do that exactly?"

"Hmm... nevermind..." Quistis said and it was her turn to attack. "Muahahahaha! FEEL THE WRATH OF MY SUPER WHIP!!!" 

"-_- Quistis, you haven't even upgraded it once..." 

"Shut UP!!!!" Quistis screamed and used her whip to kill BOTH of the Bite Bugs at one go and she also managed to knock Squall out.

"Remind me NEVER to piss a girl off when she's having PMS... XP"

Quistis grinned her head off, ignoring Squall's comments. "Man, I DO kick ass!!!!!!!!" she shouted.

Game screen: Quistis gained 2 EXP, Squall gained 0 EXP (coz he's dead)... Quezacotl learned Boost! Shiva learned Boost!

Phoenix Down used on Squall...

Squall: YAY!!! XD Back to health again!!!

Back to da game... Squall and Quistis were breakdancing to the Fire Cavern... on rollerblades... O_o

On the way, both of them Draw Blizzard spells from Glacial Eye's (floating jellyfishes, as Squall calls them) and Fastitocalon-F's (Orange bird-fishes, as Quistis calls them) to use at the Fire Cavern later if they are hot and are in need of an air conditioner...

They enter..................... THE MATRIX - I mean the FIRE CAVERN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quistis then proceeds to tell Squall all about Junctioning magic and all that crappy nonsense... Squall starts to get bored.

"OH JUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF ALREADY!!!!" Squall shouted.

"I STILL need to tell you about it though... now, you have to select-"

Squall frantically pressed the 'triangle button'. And how he did that, I don't know (and probably he doesn't either).

Quistis and Squall go up to the two Garden Faculties that awaited them at the cave entrance. Their ugly faces were hidden by that yellow... hat thingy that they wear... probably because they have big boils on their noses or something...

Then, they question Squall whether he is prepared and ready to enter the Matrix... I mean the Fire Cavern...

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!" Squall yells, pushing the guys out of his way and runnning into the cave without even getting the timer thing that he's supposed to choose.

The yellow hat people ask Quistis how long she and the 'hyper-boy there' would take to defeat the boss. Quistis chooses 10 minutes since she knows that this is the U.S Version of the game =)

After 5 minutes of walking (or rollerblading, which ever), they find a big crater in the floor.

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It's a crater!!!" Squall said, eyeing the hole in the ground.

SUDDENLY!!!!!!!!!

"WHO THE HELL DARES TO DISTURB THE ALL POWERFUL IFRIT WHILE HE'S WATCHING TV?!?!?!" Came a booming voice from the crater.

"O_o It is I, Wonder Scrawl... er... WONDER SQUALL here to defeat you and get you to join my force against EVIIIIIIIL!!!!!!!!" Squall shouted back.

Suddenly, a big, mad looking wolf/dog/demon/monster/GF thingy rose out of the fire in the crater.

"Fine! I will join you in your... *quest* only if you defeat me and show me that you are worthy of my... *ahem* POWERFUL FIRE POWER!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Ifrit laughed, but that was before he choked on his saliva and started to cough...

"O_o Are you okay, Mister GF man???" Quistis asked.

"*cough* ANYWAY... PREPARE TO DIEEEEEEE!!!!!! *cough cough cough*" Ifrit screamed.

The screen goes all blurry and we see Squall and Quistis getting ready to kill... defeat Ifrit.

"Squall! Unleash the air-conditioners.................. I mean the Blizzard spells!!!!!!!!!" Quistis said quickly.

"Okies ^_-" Squall cast 2,000,000,000,000,000 Blizzard spells and used Shiva 1,000,000 times... Ifrit was dead in no time flat...

Review at will!!!!!!!!!!!!! To be continued.....


	4. Squall and his Gameboy

Strange Pixie is back! With more hilarity (Squall: "Muahahahahaha!"), more drama (Quistis: "What are you talking about?!"), more action (Ifrit: *dies*) and much more hilarity (Selphie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!"). Without further ado, here it comes: The new episode of *drum roll* FFVIII That was Not Meant to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quistis looked at Squall, and then at Ifrit.

"Umm... I think we overdid it... You know? I also think it's dead..." she whimpered.

"Hell, that's not good..." Squall nodded in agreement.

They both stared at Ifrit's body lying on the floor. Then, all of a sudden, it started convulsing and then... coughing (if you remember in the last chapter, Ifrit choked on his saliva).

Both Squall and Quistis were staring at the GF like in: O_o-ness.

Ifrit sat up and put on a pair of shades. "Yo buddies! You managed to defeat me! And you had 1 second left! Congrats man! Your SeeD level will shoot sky-high for sure! Anyway, you get the Ifrit Card and you get me to join your team! Ain't that cool?"

"..." Said Squall.

"Huh? I didn't catch that..." Ifrit replied. "Anywho, you get to name me... so what shall it be?"

"I SHALL NAME THEE IFRIT THE FIREMAN!!!" Squall shouted, sending Quistis and Ifrit 10 feet into the air.

"...Hell..." Quistis said, slapping her forehead. "So you have a 'Shiva the Ice Queen', 'Quezacotl the cool looking but downright lousy' and 'Ifrit the fireman'..."

"Yeah," Squall shrugged.

"Alright, then let's get out of here..."

They both walked back to the Garden when they noticed that the two Garden Faculties were gone... and a trail of blood left behind...

"O_o Wonder what happened there..." Quistis mumbled as they exited.

Out of the bluest sky they call hell (well, they were running through a forest so that can't happen...), they were ambushed by a T-Rexaur!!!!!!

"Oh my goshieeee! It's a T-Rexaurieeee (told ya) !!!!!!" Quists screamed.

"._.||| Uh... Oh..." Squall whimpered as both of them looked up at the towering dinosaur.

"On the count of three..." Quistis whispered to Squall, "We run like made donkies and get to Garden. First one there gets to steal Seifer's box of Toblerone chocolate. Whaddya' say?"

Squall bared his teeth. He wanted chocolate... and boy, when he wanted something, he GOT it...

"One..." Quistis said slowly, "Tw-"

WhooooOOOoooOOOoooSh...!!!

Squall was gone and in his place was a cloud of dust. "GET BACK HERE, SQUALL!!!"

Squall looked over his shoulder and shouted back: "I don't know how to count!!!"

"Grrrness..." Quistis put on her roller blades. "You're not getting away that easily... Oh, no. Not when Seifer's toblerone chocolate is at stake!" she hissed.

In 5 seconds, Quistis caught up with Squall (they left the confused T-Rexaur behind).

"Hey, Squall! Look behind you! It's Barney the pink dinosaur!!!" Quistis screamed as she bladed past Squall in a hurry to win him at a 'Reach Garden & steal chocolates' game...

"Oh, no! I'm not falling for THAT! Barney is PURPLE, you freak! Not PINK!! DUH~! You must think I'm some kind of idio- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Squall tripped and was last seen flying up towards the second floor of Balamb Garden.

Quistis winced.

'CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Quistis winced again. She assumed Squall had crashed into the classroom window...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY CHOCOLATES!!!!!!!!" Quistis cried. "Grrr... nevermind. Next time, I vow that I WILL get to Garden first! And the chocolates will be mine! ALL MINE!!! Muahahahaha!"

Quistis then heard a familiar voice that went: My spine!! .......

Meanwhile, at the Cafeteria~~~

"I want 57 hotdogs right THERE on a plate. NOW!" Some weird blonde kid said to the lady behind the counter.

"I'm sorry but we are all sold out of hotdogs today. Come earlier next time." The cafeteria lady replied.

"wHaT?! No way! Ye had better get me some hotdogs NOW!!! Or I'll--" Zell was cut short in mid-sentence because...

"AHHHHH! Hallelujah here I cooooooooomeeee!" came an all too familiar voice.

2 seconds later, Squall was seen flying through the cafeteria window, breaking the glass (and several people's bones) in the process...

Phweeeeeeee....... Kaploomb!!!!! Squall crashed into Zell and Zell went skidding into a wall, head first.

Zell cried out in pain/anger, "MY SPINE!!! I think I broke my SPINE!!! Egads, man! What the hell did you do THAT for???"

Squall picked himself up, seemingly unhurt at all. "It was.... the chocolate's fault!!!"

Zell: ????? Oh... Can I have the chocolates then? =D

Just then, Quistis appeared behind Squall. "Boo!"

"Argh!!!" Squall flew 10 feet into the air again. "Instructor! That's the second time todaaaaaay!!!"

"Quit yer yappin'. You have ta get changed into yer uniform and assemble at the [1F Lobby] in 5 hours time! NOW MOVE!!!" Quistis screeched.

"._. Yes, sir!" Squall said, saluting. And seeing the dark look Quistis was giving him, he quickly added, "Yes MA'AM, SIR!!!"

"Good, now, go, go, go!!!"

Squall ran out of the cafeteria and passed the savepoint.

"Oooooh.... A savepoint that looks like an ATOM!!! O_O" Squall stood in front of the savepoint for 20 minutes, gaping at it... Then, finally, he goes to the directory/teleportation board thingy and selects 'Dormitory'.

In no time, Squall was at the dormitory. He spots yet another savepoint.

"OOOOOoooh! Another atom/savey thingy! Look at those electrons go! Is that the nucleus???"

Squall got tired of the mysterious atom and enters his room and says to himself: "Uniform... Get changed? Forget it? Umm... okay, get changed!"

After a few seconds of black screen-ness, Squall looks at himself in the mirror.

"Whoa! I look gooooood! XD"

Squall then sat on his bed and opens his drawer. He grabbed his Gameboy Advance and starts to play Super Mario World. After half-an-hour...

"Ooooh! You die NOW, Bowser! Just ONE MORE Mecha Koopa and you're- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My feather! I lost my feather!!! Must... get... mushroom... Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!! GAME OVER??? WHY?!?!?" Squall starts to cry.

2 seconds of recuperating...

"Okay, now for the SeeD exams! ^_^ I shall go outside my room and save at the atom thingy!!!"

This was pure crap... I seriously had serious writer's block... seriously. Was somewhat amusing though. Next chapter, Squall goes on his mission at Dollet and I hope the chapter doesn't turn out as pathetic as this one... Review or lose out people.


	5. SeeD Examination of Doom

This took waaaaay longer than I had expected. I haven't done a story in ages… much less a chapter. But yeah, anyway, dunno if I've lost my touch of humour… We'll see! -smiles- Right now my brother's playin' Run! Escape! (Runescape) on the computer beside me… AnyhOOOO, welcome backie to FFVIII that was not meant to be!

-

After our hero, Squally-Poo, had saved his game using the ever colourful atom-thingy, he walked out of his dorm and towards the 1F Lobby he went!

Squall meets Quistis at the Lobby. He's quite shocked as she's not wearing her SeeD uniform but some costume from Counter Strike.

"Eh, Professor – I mean 'INSTRUCTOR'. Why are you wearing a counter terrorist uniform? O.o You look weird…" Squall said as he walked up to her.

Quistis looked down at herself. "Oh, uh, this? I'm auditioning for a role in a movie called SWAT. Ain't that so super-cool?"

"SWAT?" Squall exclaimed, "I thought that movie came out years ago! Assuming that the world of FFVIII HAS movie cinemas…"

"No, no… not SWAT, dear boy, I'm starring in a movie called SWATTY. I'm supposed to be part of an insect exterminating team!" she grinned, "Whoopiee!" Quistis pranced around. She then managed to trip and fall while stepping all over her uniform…

"I'M OKAY!" she squealed, picking herself up.

"I never asked…" Squall replied bluntly.

Quistis frowned as she dusted herself. "Yeah well, oh… crap! I was supposed to stick to the script wasn't I? I guess I blew it… The author's gonna' kill me…"

"Don't you worry, my instructor! I shall walk away and come back so as to stick to the script! Then we'll start again from there! Got it?" Squall smiled.

Squall walked away and in 5 mins, came walking back.

"Squall! Yoo hoo! Over here, my pet!" Quistis called, "I'll be 'incidentally' announcing the squad assignments for the exam now." Quistis announced, 'oooooh, sounds so much like the SWATTY script!' she told herself.

"Let's see…? You'll be with… Zell Bitch… ummm… I meant ZELL DINCHT!. Quite a lively fellow if I say so myself." Quistis sweatdropped and thought to herself, 'This is one lame script… if I say so myself…'

Squall was wide-eyed with shock, "LIVELY? Zell Bit-Dincht, LIVELY? I laugh in your face, Trepe, he's not just _lively_! He's a mad, rabid monkey with a cheap Bahamut look-alike tatoo on his butt!"

"Face… not butt, Squall, _face_." Quistis corrected him.

"So _what_? Can't I switch members! I can't _stand_ being around with that-that-_that_ monkey freako!" Squall screamed in horror.

"I'm afraid not, Squall. If you can't stand being around him, then SIT being around him okay?" Quistis replied, irritated, "Besides, he's not _that_ bad, once you get to know him."

"Oh yeah! He has this evil smile that makes your skin crawl!" Squall complained.

"Yeah, yeah. Oh, look! Here he comes! Over here, Zell!" Quistis shouted, waving at a blonde guy.

Zell decides to show off, doing stunt aerobatics and somersaulting all the way to where Squall (who glares and him) and Quistis were standing, gaping in wonder and awe. He lands on his two feet flawlessly and the camera pans to the side of his big head. He smiles… _EVILLY_, showing his white teeth and acting all…. _EVIL_.

Squall shudders… Quistis smiles but it falters when she sees how creepy Zell's smile was.

Zell spots Squall. "Whoa… I'm with YOU!" he squeals in delight, rubs his hands on his pants and extends it towards Squall.

Squall flinches. "Me no gonna shake your hand! You just wiped it on your butt!" And he starts to inch away from the creepy guy.

"Well, yeah, anyway-" Zell began but was suddenly cut short when…

"HEY ZELL! I'M LIKE, GONNA BE STARRING IN THE MOVIE SWATTY!" Quistis intercepted.

"Shut it, instructor. I'm trying to talk to my best buddy here." Zell turns back to Squall but Squall was no where in sight. "Whadda heck! Where'd he goooooooo!"

Sound of someone clearing his throat. "Down here Zell…" came a voice from the floor.

Zell looked down. "Oh." Squall was tying his shoe laces. "ANYWAY! You hate Seifer don't you? Heard he successfully sent you straight to the infirmary? Must've been some fight! He made you into a Harry Potter look-alike!" And Zell admires the scar on Squall's forehead.

Squall slapped his forehead in irritation, resulting in him screaming in pain. "Oh, DEAR GOD THAT HURT!" And he proceeds to jump around on the spot in agony. After 20 seconds of pure screaming and skipping around, Squall glared a Zell and said dangerously, "We weren't fighting. We were _training_."

"Betcha' he doesn't think so… Ya know, he's just a big pain in the ass. All you have to do is ignore him--- HEY! This script sucks!" Zell then proceeds to shred his script book that he had been reading from all along.

"Anything that has to do with that Seifer-goon is none of my freakin' business!" Squall bellowed.

Quistis stared at Squall, "Excuse moi? None of your business? I oughta' kill you right here, right now!"

"Bring it on!" And Squall draws his gunblade.

Zell just stares. But not at the big gunblade that Squall just withdrew but at the approaching figures of... dun dunn DUNNN! Seifer, Fujin and Raijin. Zell starts gibbering like a mad monkey and silently pointing at Seifer as though he were a rabid dingo. "SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!"

Squall and Quistis turn to look at Seifer.

"Ah, here comes your squad leader!" Quistis said cheerfully, pointing at Seifer.

"WHAT!" Zell and Squall scream together in unison.

Quistis grins her ass off and pats Zell on the back, "Don't worry, he's a nice guy. He'll take goooood care of you and Squall."

Seifer snorts as Fujin and Raijin laugh.

"Well, Seifer, good luck with these kids!" Quistis said, turning to look at the grey trenchcoat-wearing blonde.

"Awwwwwww... I hate it when people wish me luck, Trepe. Luck is for LOSERS," and he makes the 'L' sign with his fingers.

"Awright then, Seifer. Good luck!"

Seifer mutters to himself as darkly as he could before commanding Fujin and Raijin to add "Instructor Trepe to the list."

"What's _the list_?" Zell asked in wonder.

"It's a long line of people waiting to have their heads shoved down the toilet bowl," Raijin replied for him.

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Seifer nodded at Fujin's confirmations, "In other words, you're going to DIE- I mean you're going down, Trepe."

Quistis took no heed of Seifer's warnings and continued speaking, "You're all assigned to Squad B-HGFDS. I shall be the instructor in charge. MUAHAHAHAHAHA," Quistis laughed insanely and darkly before adding, "oh yeah, and teamwork is important, so work as a team, dudes!"

Seifer buffed his nails on his shirt and said nonchalantly, "Teamwork? What teamwork? I don't see no team!"

Zell tries to resist the urge to punch him and send him flying to the moon just as the headmaster appears, gliding along like a fat ghost.

"ARGHHH! It's the ghost of ROBIN WILLIAMS!" Squall yells in terror and runs around in circles.

Seifer nearly tried to behead the 'ghost' with his gunblade while Fujin and Raijin ran away screaming.

Headmaster Cid shuts them all up. Fujin and Raijin are no longer in sight.

"NOW," the headmaster began, "I shall fill you in on the details of the SeeD exam and bore you all to death. WAHAHAHA!"

"..." Squall, Seifer, Quistis and Zell were speechless.

After 20 minutes of the headmaster's lecture, they were free to go.

"WHEEE! At LAST! Free of that madman Cid who talks waaaaaaaaay too much!" Seifer said, feeling like he'd never be sane again after listening to the headmaster's crappy talk.

Scene cuts to Seifer, Zell and the rest entering a car very conveniently parked at the carpark.

-Inside the car-

"Woohoo!" Zell cried, "Do I get to _drive_ this baby?"

Quistis shook her head violently, recalling a vivid memory of her in a car with Zell at a million miles per hour. "Seifer, you take the wheel."

Zell looked hurt but Squall looked outraged.

"SO! You're taking favourites now, huh? Is Seifer the Instructor's _pet_?" Squall spat vehemently, "Or do you just hate anyone whose name starts with an 'S' and ends with a 'quall'!" and Squall breaks down and cries like a baby.

"Yo, chill man!" Quistis said, "Besides, we're already there. While you were busy screaming your head off, Seifer teleported the whole vehicle to Balamb Town."

Squall looked up. And indeed they were already at the town.

"Now what?" Zell asked as they climbed out of the car.

"Now, we wait..."

"For what!"

"For the signal to run into the ship that'll bring us to Dollet."

"Okay."

-

Author- DONE and DONE.


End file.
